Blue (loss)

I’m looking at my jeans. The longing and frustration contained within. These sky blue jeans that time is wasting. Is time leaving me with the same washed out look?

The ashtray is full. I’m smoking too much, not clearing away the butts. I need to pour some water on the plant. The television screen needs dusting. I’m gonna sort my cd collection, put them in chronological order maybe. That shirt on the chair… I should iron it. I should also write an email, or better a letter, to that old girlfriend of mine, tell her...

I busy myself with mundane chores around the house. Any little drudgery to keep me occupied, anything to rest my thoughts. I’m fooling myself. Elisa has an open pass. She comes and goes as she pleases.

   Now, I scrutinise myself in the mirror. Poisoned by anger I hear my will snap. I am facing this impotent self. This reflection tells me nothing. Elisa, she is crowding my thoughts. I close my eyes and her face is smiling at me. Her lips pouting, irresistible. Lips I may never kiss.

The ashtray is getting full, again. I really don’t like smoking, I don’t think so. Why am I doing it? Maybe it’s just to know that I still have some power left, that I can control time between my fingers and my mouth, that I can kill myself my own way and smoke my life slowly...

I need to give some water to that green lady. She really needs me. Television is for nothing. I don’t want to pay the license anymore. I’m going to throw it away instead of cleaning the dust.

I have decided to venture outside. A good brisk walk is sure to do me the world of good.
The grass is fresh. Sitting here, I feel the sun on my face, warming my soul. For an instant I almost forget her. If I could banish her from my thoughts!

I start walking again when an old friend waves to me. I wave back as if I didn’t have a care. Funny, I thought, how one can put on a front when one has to. If Kenneth, that was his name, had stopped for a chat I’m sure he would never have guessed my despair. Loss doesn’t show up like a rash, you can be suffering from it but no one knows. Maybe Kenneth himself has the bug.

‘If you go, you go. Never come back’, I told her. Why did I say that? Stupid pride! ‘Come back. Please, come back. Bring a little happiness to this poor bastard!’, I beg now. She is not listening. ‘Do you know my pain?’ I want to scream at her. I don’t know at this point if loss is closer to self pity or hate.

There’s a riotous loneliness inside me, a mess of madness. A desperate heart shouting. This grief is bleeding.
What a silly thing to want what I can not have!
My own pride and manhood is maybe the real cause of the wound.
And yet... walking. Desperation in my shoes.
I feel like losing my streets, my home, my own self. A dull world is closing around me. Loss blinds us to everything, kills everything.
Your absence is throttling me. I’m bleeding tears of death.
I want to disappear, walk and walk forever. Till the end… Is there any other hope I could hold onto?

Blue and inscrutable sky. You have seen me born. You have taken me here. You have taken me to her as well. So far...
I’m at a loss. Would you guide me? Please, tell me you will. Surely it is possible that you will not deny me?
Don’t say a word, stay silent.

And I’ll be here, there; somewhere, someplace... still walking. With my hands in my pockets, waiting for yours. Dreaming as a madman on endless days, full of nothing.
Time slips away among my fingers. It’s leaving...

I love you blue.
Paths. Sometimes up. Sometimes down.
Walking.
How could I forget?
Give me the strength to... walk.

Your mark will remain. A hidden pain.
An unfathomable feeling.
Was it better yesterday?
The same.
Blue.